I am facilitating a conversation between a mother and her teenage daughter.
They had attended a counseling session the previous evening to discuss blended-family issues.
The girl is guarded and seems discouraged.
I ask the daughter to tell me about the session.
With downcast eyes she replies that it probably did no good.
Her mother interrupts her to remind her how good it could have been if only she would have opened up.
I ask the girl to describe her feelings about the roles each family member had played in the session.
She tells me that's all they were doing--playing roles.
Mother immediately contradicts her, protesting that everyone was trying to be cooperative, not faking it at all.
The girl shuts down, clams up.
We'll get no more commentary from her this day.
How often do we claim our kids will not talk to us, or even more commonly, that they will not listen? Do we label them moody or surly when grunts or even verbal abuse are all we get when we try to communicate? Kids say less and less as they realize each conversation is another opportunity for parents to discredit them.
We may believe our kids' ideas are harmful or even morally wrong but we will never get that point across if they feel devalued when we talk with them.
Have you ever casually offered, "It can't be that bad!" when your child expresses difficulties with social situations or peer relations? Do you compare the awesome challenges of your own childhood with their trivial concerns? Do you diminish the importance of their fears, anger or disappointments by calling them chronic complainers? When adults talk "at" children rather than "with" them, they can miss important information.
Well-meaning attempts to accentuate the positive or to encourage children to challenge themselves and face their fears can cause kids to stifle their attempts at self-expression.
Pushing your own perceptions too strongly can suffocate the growth of your child's expressiveness.
They had attended a counseling session the previous evening to discuss blended-family issues.
The girl is guarded and seems discouraged.
I ask the daughter to tell me about the session.
With downcast eyes she replies that it probably did no good.
Her mother interrupts her to remind her how good it could have been if only she would have opened up.
I ask the girl to describe her feelings about the roles each family member had played in the session.
She tells me that's all they were doing--playing roles.
Mother immediately contradicts her, protesting that everyone was trying to be cooperative, not faking it at all.
The girl shuts down, clams up.
We'll get no more commentary from her this day.
How often do we claim our kids will not talk to us, or even more commonly, that they will not listen? Do we label them moody or surly when grunts or even verbal abuse are all we get when we try to communicate? Kids say less and less as they realize each conversation is another opportunity for parents to discredit them.
We may believe our kids' ideas are harmful or even morally wrong but we will never get that point across if they feel devalued when we talk with them.
Have you ever casually offered, "It can't be that bad!" when your child expresses difficulties with social situations or peer relations? Do you compare the awesome challenges of your own childhood with their trivial concerns? Do you diminish the importance of their fears, anger or disappointments by calling them chronic complainers? When adults talk "at" children rather than "with" them, they can miss important information.
Well-meaning attempts to accentuate the positive or to encourage children to challenge themselves and face their fears can cause kids to stifle their attempts at self-expression.
Pushing your own perceptions too strongly can suffocate the growth of your child's expressiveness.